I have a bone to pick with the Germans.
To begin, I have always enjoyed interesting words, and the Germans have some great ones that have worked their way into our vernacular without a specific or succinct English translation[1].
Take “schadenfreude,” for example. Schadenfreude is the pleasure one derives from another person’s misfortune, but expressing this idea in English would be verbose.
While I might be coming late to the party, I recently ran across another interesting German word: “sitzpinkler.” For those who may be unfamiliar with this gem, it is the term used to describe a man who sits down to urinate.
According to some of the most reliable sources that I could find on the first page of my Google search, the word’s connotation can also be considered sexist and offensive. In other words, some Germans use it as a tool for emasculation, implying that sitzpinkler[2] are effeminate wusses and dandies.
Which is, of course, true. This does not speak highly of German men where nearly two-thirds of them are sitzpinkler and a whopping 40 percent of German guys sit down to pee every time they go to the bathroom.
Meanwhile, in a real country like America, only 10 percent of dudes sit down to pee all of the time. In other words, 90 percent of American men are real men.
When God created man and woman, Adam and Eve, He had a specific design in mind. The placement of male and female genitalia was—by no stretch of the imagination or bullshit theories of evolution—arbitrary.
God knows things.
If God didn’t want men to stand proud and upright while peeing, He would not have made our penises to resemble hoses that allow us to do manly things while urinating, such as having drunken sword fights with our buddies or trying to pee our names in snow banks.
Yet some institutions in Germany have tried to prevent men from pissing upright[3], citing crap about cleanliness and hygiene, claiming that men who pee standing up—even those of us with the best aim—will sometimes unwittingly miss the toilet and spray the floor around the bowl. Except for me, of course.
And, apparently, some sitzpinkler also sit down so women won’t have to worry about the toilet seat being left up. Talk about whipped.
There is even a device called the Spuk (roughly translated to “toilet ghost”) that is a recorded voice that tells men to return the toilet seat to the sitting position anytime they try to lift it, encouraging them to take a seat.
This is exactly why socialism doesn’t work. If you’re constantly thinking of other people and the comfort and well-being of the collective, you can’t focus on yourself, which ultimately makes you a girlie-man.
Can you imagine if anyone in the United States of America, the home of freedom and Donald J. Trump, tried to tell a man that he had to sit to pee? I’ll tell you one thing: no Spuk is going to tell this cowboy what to do.
Can you imagine someone trying to tell a man in ‘Merica what they can or cannot do with their bodies? Or making laws that restrict a man’s right to choose?
What’s next? Are they going to tell us who we can or cannot marry, or what clothes we can or cannot wear? Or what books we can or cannot read? Or who we have to serve at our bakeries or design websites for?
That, my friends, sounds like fascism. And communism. And socialism. And Bidenism[4]
Not on my watch. I don’t want to be like these gutless Germans. I don’t want free health care or college, and I don’t want my fellow human beings to be guaranteed a basic standard of living, at least not on my dime.
I’m proud to be an American man who stands up and pees in the home of the free. Happy Fourth of July.
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[1] It should be noted that I cannot speak conversational German. But who cares? I speak fluent American.
[2] The word “sitzpinkler” is both singular and pural.
[3] A.k.a. being “real” men.
[4] You can thank Joe Biden for every struggle or discomfort—financially, socially or anatomically—that you’re currently incurring. If you get stung by a bee over the holiday weekend, thank Joe Biden.
