O P I N I O N
Every year you make the same resolution: You’re going to get fit, lose the weight you’ve gained from midlife attrition, and grab your LDL cholesterol by the throat and throw it to the ground.
Even the sequence of events leading to the renewal of your gym membership remains remarkably consistent. It’s an annual rite that begins with a sidelong glance in the bathroom mirror when you’re coming out of the shower, regrettably naked, and realize you’re shaped much like your pug when he stands on his hind legs.
Don’t wallow. Don’t succumb to self-loath or nostalgia for the way you remember your body once looking. This was never the case; it was revisionist thinking. Don’t bury your pain in buffalo wings or drown it in pitchers of draft beer at the bar.
Be assertive. It’s a new year, a new you, and a new reason to believe your old bullshit. Join the gym. Wage a war on your flab and LDL cholesterol. Vow that next year you’ll see them at the Appomattox Courthouse.
Pack some workout clothes in a bag in your backseat and drive directly to the gym after work. Do not stop at the bar for a pitcher of draft beer and buffalo wings, even if your buddies’ cars are in the parking lot. Wrong parking lot. Laser focus, fatty. Keep driving.
When you arrive in the parking lot outside the gym, don’t give yourself time to ruminate on the people you may encounter inside. Do not think about the attractive people in their sleek workout clothes that are a far cry from your old sweatpants and Led Zeppelin t-shirt. Worse yet, do not think about the attractive middle-aged gym rats who have managed to not fall to flab.
Do not enter like a dead man walking with your eyes looking forward and terror washing the color from your cheeks. Do not—under any condition—weep.
Enter the gym like a man at war with flab and LDL cholesterol. Eye of the tiger, tubby. You got this.
Enter the gym like a smooth criminal, like you’ve cased the place.
But, for the love of God, do not start your car and drive out of the parking lot. Do not turn left and follow that road 2.4 miles and pull into the parking lot on the left. Do not go into the bar and order buffalo wings and a pitcher of draft beer.
Then again, there’s always next year.
