Timely Writer: Alternative headlines for the Union Leader

Some of these parody vintage headlines with lead paragraphs would fit any paper but I’d like to think they fit New Hampshire best.

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O P I NI O N


Timely WriterI thought I’d have a bit of fun this month, sports fans, by creating headlines that might have been for the Union Leader, the paper we love and hate or even love to hate.

The late publisher William Loeb was never shy about screaming meemie headlines or editorials. Thankfully, today’s Union Leader doesn’t try to compete, but with the newsprint business in a battle for survival, eye-catching headlines are still important to any newspaper.

Some of these parody vintage headlines with lead paragraphs would fit any paper but I’d like to think they fit New Hampshire best.


Rose Denied Hall of Fame, Inks Contract with DraftKings

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Pete Rose is always “all in.”

All-time Major League Baseball hit leader Pete Rose is still on the outside looking in when it comes to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Denied entry because of admittedly gambling on baseball, he’s decided to go legal and has signed a promotional deal with DraftKings, Major League Baseball’s formerly gaming and now flat-out gambling partner. Look for Rose to act as a goodwill ambassador and for his personally autographed tip sheets.

Queen Elizabeth II to Sail QEII to the Queen City

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One if by land, two if by sea. Just watch the Queen’s hand.

Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II will set sail on the luxury liner QEII from Liverpool on Sunday and is expected to reach Manchester, New Hampshire’s Granite Street Bridge by Wednesday March 16. “My staff originally thought I was navigating the ship to Manchester, England, but what fun would that be? I thought we’d give it a go.” the Queen said. “I understand going up the Merrimack River will be a bit testy, but if Henry David Thoreau could do it and not make a proper bollocks of it, I thought we’d try it.”

The Man Who Made Muskie Cry and Laugh

There’s no crying in politics but Maine Senator Edmund Muskie(D) may have committed this faux paux last Thursday across the street from the Union Leader Amherst Street bunker. In town to campaign for president, the craggy senator got caught in a 1972 snowstorm and claims, get this, the moisture on his face was merely melting snow. He laughed when he realized that whatever the course of wetness, his L.L. Bean V-neck sweater was ruined. Muskie allegedly cried over the low blows dealt by Loeb, including the alleged Canuck letter, supposedly denigrating Quebecois. He also laughed when he realized Loeb had never penned an editorial of praise other than an epic poem for Mel Thomson (see below).

Gov. Thomson Praises Dartmouth Students for Erecting Mini-Soweto

Just returned from his 1977 tour of Afrikkaner aparthied South Africa, New Hampshire Governor Meldrim Thomson(R), the Oracle of Orford, praised Dartmouth college students for building an encampment resembling a South African township across from the administration hall. “They claim there’s no running water or electricity in Soweto Township by Afrikanner design,” Thomson said. “Clean water is overrated anyway. New Hampshire has managed to survive thousands of cans and bottles in its waterways. It’s obvious a lot of thought went into the huts.” Thomson was seen touring Dartmouth in a dashiki.

Danny Ainge Signs Contract with Boston Bruins

Danny Ainge, point guard for the awesome Boston Celtics teams of 1981-89, and a one-time infield prospect for the Toronto Blue Jays, has signed on as a defenseman for the Boston Bruins. Bruins GM Don Sweeney said, “With his height and reach there’s no question that he’ll make a great enforcer even at his age. I just hope he’s skated before and is not too attached to his teeth.”

Everything Everywhere All At Once Outpolls Citizen Kane

We don’t often go to the movies but when we do we relish the opportunity of 17 Jackie Chan tributes interspersed with Donut Heads as the Dark Side. Easy peasy. Toss in talking rocks just when you thought the show was over. They couldn’t hand out the Oscars fast enough for this choose-your-own adventure film, making me wonder what films I really missed over the past year. You’ll cry at the mother accepting Lesbian daughter scene if only because the daughter is no longer a Donut Head.

Me? I’m still trying to figure out the significance of Rosebud in Citizen Kane. I hate movies where you need a decoder ring.

Cadillac Motel Wins National Advertising Award

For several decades now Chestnut Street’s Cadillac Motel has offered “Rooms for a Nite or for a Lifetime.” They passed the advertising test when the Dalai Lama visited the city and that he qualified for a room for several lifetimes due to the Buddhist belief in the wheel of samsara. The Cadillac also threw in a TV with a Zen channel. You stare at a blank screen until the show you want to watch materializes.

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A happy Union Leader from November 17, 2001.

Who the Hell is William Loeb? Wins Pulitzer Prize

Credit late author Kevin Cash for writing and publishing the book no one else would touch. Turns out Loeb was even more of a ratfink than even Cash allowed. If Everything Everywhere All At Once could win the Oscar for best film…

William Loeb’s Uncle Arrested in Seabrook Protest

In the spirit of Kevin Cash revelations…


 

About this Author

John Angelo

John Angelo’s humor has appeared in “Publisher’s Weekly,” “Writer’s Digest,” and “American Bookseller.” He is a frequent contributor to the “New Hampshire Business Review.” For a Christmas concert at his Catholic grammar school, the nuns told him to mouth the words and that he’d better not make a sound under any circumstances.