Not That Profound

We’re a small skip away from Gilead

For those who may not be familiar with the premise of “The Handmaid’s Tale,” it is set sometime in the not-so-distant future, following a violent civil war in the United States fought over ideological differences. Birth rates have plummeted due to environmental indifference and increased rates of STDs, and the far-right religious fanatics—many of whom posture as Christians—have established their own country named Gilead. READ MORE

Not That Profound

Don’t be a Venmo-ron, like me

The only money that belongs solely to me exists in a Venmo account where I’ve squirreled away my earnings from various writing projects over the years. The money was intended to be a little scratch with which I could gamble and make frivolous purchases that would incense my wife, such as a reprint of Leroy Neiman’s painting of the final frame of “Rocky III”.  READ MORE

Not That Profound

Why I don’t dance

While I’m still working through the trauma with a therapist, here is the quick-and-dirty: After consuming far too many whiskey sours at the open bar of a wedding where I was one of the groomsmen, I was loose, feeling the groove, cutting the proverbial rug with my girlfriend on the edge of the dance floor beside a bay window with crimson curtains. READ MORE

Not That Profound

The purging of pet urine: A hero’s quest

Before my wife left, as we were going through a particularly humid stretch, I noticed the pungent scent of pet urine emanating from the kitchen floor. A little back-story: in the past three years, to my dismay, our home has become a veritable animal farm, including the Existential Pug—who has penned a few columns for me—and three cats, two of whom moved into the house against my wishes. READ MORE

Not That Profound

How to be ‘happy’ like a middle-aged man with high cholesterol

Don’t think about all of the things you’re supposed to be doing that day. Don’t think about the new novel you’ve been half-heartedly trying to write, or the book of poems being released next month, or the freelance work you’ve already agreed to cover. Don’t think about mowing the lawn, or going to the gym, or answering emails, or writing lesson plans for the next school year. READ MORE