College football is stupid.
Wait. Let me qualify that statement.
Not all of college football is stupid. The age-old rivalries with weird trophies going to the victors are not stupid. The stadiums filled with 100,000 people screaming at the top of their lungs are not stupid. The thousands of student-athletes who have used football as a way to obtain a genuine higher education? Also not stupid.
And the Granite State’s very own UNH Wildcats seeking a berth in the NCAA Division I FCS Division Championship on Saturday? Definitely not stupid! (Go Wildcats!)
No, those things are certainly not stupid. But, the hypocrisy lying at the heart of big-time college football definitely makes me wonder why anyone sees it as more than what it truly is: the world’s most publicized employee development training course.
In particular though, last week’s BCS meeting, oops, excuse me, the College Football Playoff Selection Committee meeting, is what really bugged me to the point where I feel the need to say something.
Heck, I don’t even have a problem with Clemson, Oklahoma or Georgia being in football’s version of the Final Four. They earned their spots on the field. But the same cannot be said about the Crimson Tide of Alabama.
As I consider myself a fan of North American sports, but generally not a fan of college football, it took me a bit to process why Alabama was in and Auburn was not as I gleaned that information while taking in news about other, better sporting institutions.
For those of you who are not college football fans, Auburn defeated Alabama late last month in the most recent installment of “the Iron Bowl,” the annual rivalry game between the two teams.
Auburn’s win brought them to 11-1. Alabama’s loss brought them to 11-1. But Alabama’s strength of schedule apparently meant that their loss was less harmful than Auburn’s loss to LSU back in October.
All I could think was, “Wait, if Auburn just sucked a little bit more while still winning all those other games, maybe Alabama’s loss would have hurt them a little bit more, paradoxically helping themselves!”
No, that can’t be it. At least, not on its own?
So, in my self-appointed loudmouth role somewhere between “guy who only nominally knows anything about college football” and “that guy I see on ESPN with the big ears who is an expert at college football for some reason,” here’s what it looks like Auburn will need to do in 2018, outside of going undefeated, winning their conference, trying to convince Cam Newton to come back, or following the “sucking just a little bit more” strategy.
#1. Run Up the Score: As a guy who barely follows college football, I initially thought that the wins that Alabama obtained against opponents that Auburn also defeated were somehow larger.
Nope. It was a larger margin of victory for Alabama against Arkansas, Mercer and Ole Miss and it was a larger margin of victory for Auburn against Mississippi State and Texas A&M.
But Alabama scored more (469-447) and allowed fewer points (138-225).
So, don’t show any mercy in those games against small schools next year, Auburn! If you score enough points, maybe the little guys will get discouraged and stop trying to score touchdowns of their own.
I mean, this stuff seemed to be one of the big reasons why everybody hated the BCS, but those big bad computers are gone now! You have a bunch of guys eating ice cream now as they determine your fate, so now it totally makes sense.
#2. Play Fewer Little Guys: Mercer paid a ton of money to get on Alabama and Auburn’s respective schedules. Okay. That’s fine. But c’mon Auburn, you can do better than Louisiana-Monroe and Georgia State. I know you’re trying to go undefeated and all, but Alabama got to trot out the “strength of schedule” card.
As an NFL fan, this makes as much sense to me as it would if the Steelers beat the Patriots in a few weeks, but Bill Belichick argued that the Pats still deserved home field if the two teams finish with the same record, since the Steelers get to play the Browns twice.
#3. Give a Scholarship to Some Kid That’s Good with Computers: While we’re at it, you are a college, Auburn. Give your students valuable real-life experience in producing the best possible schedule for you by letting them do it. Make it a class! Charge a lab fee!
To be honest, maybe this already happens, but I doubt it. Plus, it’d be poetic justice to have all these universities fawning over teenagers who are good with producing analytical models as much as they do with teenagers who can run fast or catch a ball.
Also, it’d be great if the NCAA could just expand the playoff to eight teams (if the FCS can do 16…) and give automatic bids to the Power 5 Conference winners, another automatic bid to the highest ranked team in those other conferences (Probably Boise State most years?) and then use the power of the ice cream to select the last two.
Until then though Auburn, it is what it is. Enjoy the Whatever Bowl.
New Hampshire native Andrew Sylvia began covering the Fisher Cats in 2010 and 2011 and has reported on a wide variety of other sports for the New Hampshire Union Leader, the Nashua Telegraph and Patch.com in addition to thousands of other non-sports articles for over two dozen outlets throughout New England and beyond.
He also has a Australian Rules Football fantasy team and he thinks they’re finally going to win it all this year, if only because he’s an optimistic kind of guy.
