Welcome, and let me begin by saying thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that together we can perhaps gain a new perspective on addiction and recovery. I guess I’ll start out with a little background on myself: My name is Fran, I’m 32 and up until about a year ago (I don’t keep a date) I spent the majority of my life abusing drugs, with the last 10 in the grips of a heavy opiate addiction and as an IV heroin user for the last five, or so. I’m not much for talking about War Stories or discussing the pitfalls of addiction. If you’re reading this, you’re probably quite familiar with those, and also that stuff never gave me any insight on how NOT to use.
I’d like to keep this whole thing pretty organic as I continue on this recovery journey and share with you my insights, successes and failures as I progress.
First, I’d like to share with you my secret to recovery … just kidding, there is none. There is no magic bullet, no shortcut, no quick fix. Even if you abstain from your habit or drug of choice from day 1, abstinence doesn’t equal recovery. Recovery is hard work. It’s a real lifestyle change and a labor of love for yourself. You have to want it more than you want to avoid dealing with your problems. Whether they’re physical withdrawal, legal issues, relationships, financial, etc.
The desire to fundamentally change your life must be greater than the anxiety and fear that comes with fixing all the problems that have resulted from the addiction. Just as you can’t go from being obese to being in great shape overnight, the same is true for recovery, in my opinion. There is such a thing as Natural Recovery, where one day a person just says “enough is enough” or has a strong enough motivator that they can just eliminate the negative behavior(s) on their own, but for the majority of us it doesn’t happen like that. For me, much of recovery was about learning new coping skills I previously didn’t possess, and a fundamental shift in how I viewed myself, my future, and the world in general.
When I was in the midst of my opiate addiction, I used to envy people who didn’t need opiates to function. Sometimes, even a year later, I’m overcome with amazement and gratitude that I no longer require them in my body on a daily basis. I never really thought that I would be free of the grip of opiates. It was like being in jail on a life sentence. I felt that life would be my existence until it ended, the only question was when. Though, around New Year’s Eve or on my birthday every year, some part of me would think “maybe this will be the year I get off opiates.” But that thought was always short-lived and evaporated by the next day at the first signs of withdrawal, like, “who am I kidding?”
Overall, I’m very lucky as an addict. For one, I’m still alive and, two, I managed to go almost the entire time without any legal trouble. Legal consequences were the only ones I really feared. I’ve overdosed a bunch, my heart even stopped beating on one occasion, and I was comfortable with the notion that I would just “get high ’til I die.” which didn’t feel far off. But none of that mattered to me as long as I wasn’t in jail. My life changed a bit when I caught a paraphernalia charge after an overdose. I later told the judge in court that it was a blessing in disguise, as it left me with two options: find a way to stop using, or wind up in jail.
When I was in treatment once we were briefly told about other alternatives to the 12-Step programs. I felt I had given NA a really good shot before. and it just didn’t resonate with me. I had forgotten all about that information until one night while laying in bed withdrawing, I remembered one program called Smart Recovery and I decided to check out their website, just to see what it was all about. I didn’t know that simple act would have such a profound impact on my life. I will get more into some of the life lessons and tools I’ve learned through their program at a later time, but for now I will just say that I saved my own life through my own hard work, but Smart Recovery gave me the tools to help me do it.
I’ve always liked the saying, “Variety is the spice of life.” And as I think about that saying nowadays, I think of the wonderful tapestry that is existence; made up of mostly mundane and repetitive things with some excitement, turmoil, bliss, pain and fatigue thrown in throughout. For over a decade in addiction, I merely tried to navigate my way through life as quickly as possible, like the Millennium Falcon zipping through an asteroid field, with nothing chasing me but the problems created by my addiction. Now, after a year free of opiates, I can actually enjoy the variety that life has to offer. That means taking in the bad as well as the good, but these days the good moments are truly great and I can really savor them and remember them. I now try and practice mindfulness, and to be present in those moments, so I can really bring them to mind and remember those feelings when times get tough.
I’ve discovered it’s not the things in life that make life beautiful, it’s the people, the relationships, the intangible things – like the feeling of love, the majesty of nature or a beautiful song. I don’t mean to get too hippie on you, but I really think they’re on to something when it comes to personal happiness. I’m working to find where my bliss lies and I’m getting closer by the day, but I know where it doesn’t lie and that’s at the bottom of a bottle or the tip of a needle. I hope this has been of some help or insight to you and that I can continue to shed light on a subject many of us are working our way through.
Fran Pannulla is a 32-year-old son, brother, aspiring writer and life enthusiast from Philadelphia, PA. When not doing recovery-related things through www.smartrecovery.org, you can find him talking to strangers, jamming to music, reading about world events, getting his learn on, or just overall trying to enjoy everything this life has to offer in a positive and healthy way. You can contact him at pannullafr@gmail.com.
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