Becoming the Person I Want to Be

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I’ve found that throughout my life there was always quite a difference between the person I was and the person I wanted to be. I knew deep down inside that I wasn’t giving life my best shot. Teachers would remark about my “potential,” but I was happy not to study for tests and do well enough. I handed in assignments late and got points off, content because I knew I’d still get a good enough grade. I was always a fan of shortcuts, easy fixes and doing the bare minimum; whatever was good enough to get by. Why do today what I can put off ’til tomorrow, right?

I think these kinds of habits build on top of one another; procrastination, laziness, immediate gratification, addictions. All of the habits we form throughout our lives combine to create how we behave and carry ourselves in the world. I didn’t give 100 percent at work, partly because I felt undervalued. I didn’t give 100 percent in school. I was there to pass a class, not to learn and challenge myself and grow as a person. In my relationships with friends, family and lovers I was self-centered. I put my own wants ahead of others’ needs for the most part, worrying about my own happiness above all else.

kittenlionWhat I’ve realized now is that I was robbing myself of the full experience this life has to offer. I wasn’t challenging myself to grow and become the best version of myself. By cutting corners, looking for shortcuts and the easy way out I was only creating bad habits, which would set myself up for failure and disappointment. I needed to fully engage in life, which means doing many things I don’t want to do, especially in the moments I don’t want to do them. I’ve discovered that especially by making myself do something when I have no excuse not to do it, other than “I don’t feel like it,” is one of the best ways for me to change and grow as a person. It’s so easy for me to put things off and mess around online or watch TV, and it’s a habit that is hard to break. It’s really a fundamental change of your character.

One area in particular I’ve been focusing on is trying to be a better friend, son, sibling, etc. For so many years I was so wrapped up in my addiction that it was really difficult for me to be there for other people. I found through a SMART Recovery exercise called the Hierarchy of Values, where you list the things in life most important to you, that helping other people and my relationships with family and friends are some of the most important things to me.

They’re more important than money or health or many things other people may put first.

It was tough realizing that the things most important to me were all the things I was neglecting. I wasn’t being great to my friends and family or helping other people. So, I made a conscious decision to try and work on being there more for people and reaching out, to be more supportive and try and listen more. Where I’m at in my life I can’t help people financially, but I do have time and I’m definitely capable of listening to someone and helping them achieve perspective or grow as a person, especially with the skills I’ve learned through SMART.

Now I get lots of joy and feel more fulfilled than I ever did before, because I’m becoming the person I ALWAYS wanted to be. I’m becoming the sibling, friend, son, etc., that I knew I could be. And the reason I’m doing it is simply to get the most out of this existence as possible and to finally feel inside that the inner light of who I am is shining through on the outside as well through my actions. Now when I’m able to talk to a friend or family member who is having a rough time, when I eat dinner with my friend Charles’ mom and help her around the house, when I do the work and exercise I don’t feel like doing, I know I’m becoming the person I always wanted to be.


pannullaFran Pannulla is a 32-year-old son, brother, aspiring writer and life enthusiast from Philadelphia, PA. When not doing recovery-related things through www.smartrecovery.org, you can find him talking to strangers, jamming to music, reading about world events, getting his learn on, or just overall trying to enjoy everything this life has to offer in a positive and healthy way.  You can contact him at pannullafr@gmail.com.


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